Why?
by coldqueen
Summary: Even the toughest questions need answers...what was Cristina thinking at the end of Deny, Deny, Deny?


Cristina Yang was an intern at Seattle Grace Hospital, the best hospital in Seattle. Not only that, but she was the best intern of the bunch, or so she liked to think. Cristina had always imagined that she'd be a "by-the-book" doctor, the kind who did everything right and if not liked by everyone, would be respected by everyone. Then, in her first year of residency, she broke one of the big rules...she slept with her boss. Well...not _**her**_ boss...her boss's boss...does that make it worse?

Cristina hadn't intended for it to happen, but that was often what made it so bad. You never intend to become involved with an older man, never intend to fall in love, never wanted to have said man break up with her, never intended to get pregnant and not tell him and lose the baby all in a month's time. It's funny how it's the things you don't intend that affect you so much.

The hospital room was dimly-lit, somehow making all that white seem malevolent. It was as if it was screaming at her, "You're not pure! YOU'RE TAINTED! TAINTED!" Of course, it wasn't. That was all in Cristina's head. A figment of her imagination. Or, at least that's what the doctor part of her said. Geez, she was getting as bad as that psychic they'd had last month. Course, he'd been right about a lot of things. He'd also been a mental patient. Maybe she should have had counseling.

Why was this damn miscarriage affecting her so much? She hadn't been going to keep the damn baby anyways. Well, she'd changed her mind, but she'd have changed it back. All she had to do was see Prest-...Dr. Burke's cold eyes glancing her way in the hall and her mind would have changed again. Dr. Burke. Why had she ever done what she did with him?

* * *

"Thank you for the coffee."

She'd only intended to say that and go...then why had she locked the door? She'd seen him go into the room, obviously broke down and tired. Not only had he had the meeting this morning with Meredith, but there'd been a major accident that day, causing back-to-back surgeries, not to mention numerous minor injuries that had to be seen too. Finally, at around midnight, she'd seen him duck into the on-call room, and had seized the chance to talk to him. She'd never been comfortable around the attendings, until Burke. Hell, only last week had she been able to relax in his presence, even a bit.

Burke had looked up from where he leaned against the beds, looked at her, looked down, either not sure what to reply or considering. It was definitely considering, and Cristina had an idea of just what he was considering. And then he was there, kissing her pulling her close, making her lose her precious control that she'd always worked so hard to amass.

Cristina, helpless to her body's wants, wrapped her arms around Burke, letting him pull her close. How had they gotten so involved so fast? Just yesterday, they were having coffee, if you could call him bringing her coffee that. Course...it had been really good coffee...

Burke drew his lips away, bending his head so that their foreheads were touching. They shouldn't be doing this. Burke had never in his professional career broken a rule as serious as this one...or a rule at all for that matter. Lately, however, it seemed like every time he turned around something else in his life was going wrong. For some reason, Cristina felt right. Cristina? When had he started to think of her as Cristina? It'd always been Dr. Yang before. Burke thought that it might have started last week, with the whipple case. She'd been so upset. He hadn't been able to help himself from going after her, trying to comfort her. In the end, he'd seen a side of the hard-ass intern he'd never seen before.

They stood there for a moment, basking in the afterglow of their first kiss. Cristina looked Burke in the eyes, his dark, coal-colored eyes. This time, she initiated the kiss.

Cristina ran her hands down his back, then back again. She leaned up, lightly brushing his lips with her's. He took the bait, once again latching onto her lips, using his height to leverage her against the wall. Cristina took the opportunity to feel the Promised Land that was Burke's chest. Slowly, Cristina slid down his body, rubbing what little curves she had against him.

In a fast move, she spun around, pulling Burke further into the room, and herself away from the wall. Impatient with all the playing they were doing, Burke reached down and snapped open the ties to her scrub pants. With barely a sound, they fell to the ground and Cristina was suddenly feeling a little exposed. Burke didn't let her dwell.

With a grunt and something akin to a sigh, he sat on the bed, pulling Cristina onto his lap. They hadn't stopped kissing since she'd stepped into the room, and Cristina had to breathe. She wrenched her lips from his and threw her head back, sucking in air as she did. This gave Burke prime target area for her neck. He nipped and sucked until Cristina could feel her toes curling. The heat of the room was almost unbearable, and their slick skin was rubbing against each other in a way that was entirely erotic.

Slowly, Burke leaned back until he was lying on the bed with Cristina on top of him. They switched positions, so that Cristina was on bottom and he on top. Her top had long ago disappeared, along with his bottoms. They were completely naked with each other.

Burke sighed, and settled himself on top of her. "Are you sure?"

"Ooooh, yeah..."

**

* * *

**

Cristina had been sure, at that moment in time. Completely sure in fact. Right now, she wasn't sure of anything. She was crying, and she didn't know why, and she couldn't stop. She knew she was freaking out her friends, but she didn't know what to do. Cristina never didn't know what to do. Since this whole thing with Burke started, she hadn't known what to do. He was always unsettling her, shaking her up. Making her feel things she didn't want to. Asking her the questions she didn't want to answer.

**

* * *

**

She hadn't known he would be here so early. Attendings rarely were. At 4 am, he should have been home sleeping or something. Instead, he was at the nurses' station, staring holes into her back. Okay...so they'd had sex...what did he expect of her? A commitment? Oh, hell no. Cristina Yang did not do commitments.

Still...instead of continuing to the locker room, where she should have gone, she veered to the left, heading down a hallway of empty lab rooms. Now, she would have to loop back around the supply hall, go past the ICU, all just to get to the locker room...all to avoid having to walk past Burke. All to avoid having her gaze drawn to his tight, luscious as-...

Suddenly Cristina found herself dragged into one of the empty labs by her arm. The second she was freed she turned, ready to read the riot act to whoever would dare to...oh...it was Burke.

"Hello, Dr. Burke," Cristina applauded herself on how cool she sounded, not affected in the least by him.

"Why are you avoiding me?"

"Why would I be avoiding you?"

"Usually, you're snapping at the bit for the best cases. Now, you're idling in the pit, doing sutures. You're avoiding me."

"I am not. I'm giving the other interns a chance to gain enough experience to actually provide some real competition for me." Burke quirked his eyebrow. "Okay, so I'm avoiding you. Get over it."

Cristina made a move to walk around him and out the door, but Burke wrapped a hand around her arm and pulled her back. "I'm not done."

"What!" Cristina asked, yanking her arm from his grasp.

"I want you to stop."

"Stop what?"

"Avoiding me."

"Why?" Cristina had no sooner asked the question than she recognized the look in his eyes. "Don't you dare! I'll be late!"

Burke picked Cristina up and sat her down on a counter, pulling her purse away as he did so. Then he was kissing her, bending her back, breaking her will. Cristina tried to resist, tried to tell herself that this was wrong...this was a hospital! The on-call room was one thing, but an actual lab? That was bad. Bad felt sooo good.

Burke didn't bother taking off his clothes, he removed only her's, nearly ripping her shirt off in his haste. When she was finally devoid of any clothes, he drew her close again. Whenever he was around her, he felt clumsy, like he had no grace. As a surgeon, it was different. He was used to flowing, to being smooth. Around her, he felt rough. He felt too big in his height, and his big hands, and his overall body.

Cristina couldn't feel much of anything except Burke and everywhere Burke touched her. She didn't want to feel anything else.

* * *

God, he hurt her. Even this pain, this distinctly physical pain of having one of her ovaries and tubes removed, paled in comparison to the pain Burke caused her. He spent the past weeks, pushing, pushing, pushing. Let's talk, we need to talk...he wants definitions and she wanted hot sex. Then, when she was caving, when she was going to tell him that she was carrying his child, that she wanted to keep it...he cut her off. He ended it. Why had she thought it would work out? Nothing like this ever does.

Cristina turned onto her side, away from the light coming from the hallway. It was late, very late. Everyone had gone home but her mother, who still sat like a sentinel in a chair in the corner. Cristina appreciated her mother coming all this way, but in truth had rather wished she hadn't. Her mother had done nothing but harp at her since she'd arrived. Not that Cristina heard. She could barely hear anything past the whirlwind in her head. She was still crying. She knew that much. She just didn't know why.

Why had she let herself get this bad? Why had she allowed this situation to go as far as it had? Why had she not been able to resist that man? Why did she let him do this to her? Why couldn't she stop asking herself why?

Slowly, even turned on her side, she could hear someone approaching. Her mother said something, a masculine voice replied. Cristina recognized it, but she still didn't turn over. Why was he here? Hadn't he hurt her enough?

Cristina felt his hands at her back; he'd wrapped his arms around her. Sat on her bed and he sought to comfort her? To cradle her? Why would he do this? Why did he do anything?

Cristina turned to him though. She turned to him and she let him hold her. She let him comfort her and knew that he was comforted as well. They'd both lost something today, but they'd both gained. They'd gained the answers to all the "Whys" they could even try to ask.


End file.
